Null and Void

We all have a void inside ourselves that every day we work to fill and close, either through a vice or a relationship or a pet or just classic avoidance. Maybe the void was opened at a young age when a trusted adult crossed a boundary, or possibly a certain second grade teacher expressed disappointment one day that opened a crack in your soul that has slowly spread every time you make a mistake or recognize regret and the hole gets bigger and deeper with every breath and every disappointment and the only way to quiet the voices is by binging and purging or self harm or pushing physical and mental limits or simply falling sleeping at any opportunity. Maybe you’ve healed so well and won therapy and your void is sewn up, or maybe you’re working a little every day to close the darkness by learning to forgive yourself and offering grace. Or maybe you were sitting on the couch eating a Family Size bag of chips by yourself and halfway through realized you didn’t want to be eating chips, but saw your hand involuntarily reach in for more, feeling your greasy fingertips brush the ridges of crisp potato, and thought to yourself Hey maybe I should stop eating these if I don’t want anymore and my stomach is starting to get full? But as your hand gropes the fried tubers and floats towards your mouth you really consider what is happening and how you are on the cusp of Losing Control so you find the courage and mental tenacity to stop the flying fist of spud and release your white knuckled grip and think to yourself, not for the first time, Am I trying to fill myself up with grease and salt to make up for the emptiness I feel right now, am I trying to fill my void with taters? And maybe you are, or maybe you just had a bad day and were unconsciously Eating Your Feelings, or maybe you have a weird life-long relationship to food that has to be examined closer. Maybe it’s all of the above. Or maybe you don’t relate and are thing What is wrong with this person and how did she come up with so many synonyms for a stupid potato (murphy, yam)? But maybe you feel a little bit seen, and your void just filled a little bit knowing that you’re not alone and that it’s culturally appropriate to talk about these things online despite the current political climate. The void in me acknowledges and honors the void in you. May we both continue to cultivate our healing journeys, preferably far away from crispy spuds.