Pine in the Ass

I’m allergic to wheat. Not gluten, wheat. Wheat is a grain, and gluten is a protein within the wheat kernel. I can tolerate gluten, and some people with celiac can tolerate wheat. That means there are gluten-free products that contain wheat, and are not safe for people with wheat allergies. I learned that the hard way. It was a tough day at the office after that.

After it became fashionable to ‘avoid gluten’, it’s hard to tell when someone is actually allergic, or if it’s just a preference. From the kitchen side of things, it’s the difference between needing to use fresh equipment for everything, or allowing for cross-contamination. So, after years of making fun of the people who pronounce “I’m Gluten Free” at the beginning of the meal, but by dessert they are chowing down on gluten-full pastries, I am now grouped in with that crowd. From an industry standpoint, do you realize how pretentious it sounds to say “Hi, um excuse me, I have a wheat allergy”? And a lot of people don’t know the difference between wheat and gluten, so then I have to give a quick run-down of what it means, and then whichever poor bastard has to listen to my TED talk is forced to speak with the kitchen and mark every dish on the menu that I can safely inhale. It’s annoying both for me, and the entire restaurant staff. But like, in a cute way.

I was out to dinner with some friends, and our server was very conscious of my allergy and was being wonderfully accommodating and helpful. I got personalized versions of everything my friends had to share, so basically I was the resident celeb.

Everything was great, the food was delicious, we were having a grand time. After the last savory course was cleared, our server came around and started discussing dessert, and mentioned he had a special dish for me. I got excited, dessert is the most important meal of the day! He came around and started placing the treats, and put a bowl of ice cream in front of me. “I absolutely love this dessert, it’s coconut milk ice cream twisted with pineapple sorbet, topped with fresh pineapples and our house made chocolate sauce! Enjoy!” and then he scampered away. My friends eyed my sundae enviously, but my heart dropped. “I’m allergic to pineapple.” The whole table burst out laughing. I pushed the ice cream away from me, '“take it away, I can’t bear to look”, so my friends got double dessert, and I finished the salad that had been on the table since the first course.